87P14-Lady, Lady, I Did It! Read online

  Praise for Ed McBain & the 87th Precinct

  “Raw and realistic…The bad guys are very bad, and the good guys are better.”—Detroit Free Press

  “Ed McBain’s 87th Precinct series…simply the best police procedurals being written in the United States.”—Washington Post

  “The best crime writer in the business.”—Houston Post

  “Ed McBain is a national treasure.”—Mystery News

  “It’s hard to think of anyone better at what he does. In fact, it’s impossible.” —Robert B. Parker

  “I never read Ed McBain without the awful thought that I still have a lot to learn. And when you think you’re catching up, he gets better.”

  —Tony Hillerman

  “McBain is the unquestioned king…light years ahead of anyone else in the field.”—San Diego Union-Tribune

  “McBain tells great stories.”—Elmore Leonard

  “Pure prose poetry…It is such writers as McBain who bring the great American urban mythology to life.”—The London Times

  “The McBain stamp: sharp dialogue and crisp plotting.”

  —Miami Herald

  “You’ll be engrossed by McBain’s fast, lean prose.”—Chicago Tribune

  “McBain redefines the American police novel…he can stop you dead in your tracks with a line of dialogue.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer

  “The wit, the pacing, his relish for the drama of human diversity [are] what you remember about McBain novels.”—Philadelphia Inquirer

  “McBain is a top pro, at the top of his game.”—Los Angeles Daily News

  Lady, Lady, I Did It!

  AN 87TH PRECINCT NOVEL

  Ed McBain

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Text copyright ©1961 Hui Corporation

  Republished in 2011

  All rights reserved.

  Printed in the United States of America.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Thomas & Mercer

  P.O. Box 400818

  Las Vegas, NV 89140

  ISBN-13: 9781612181745

  ISBN-10: 1612181740

  This is for Henry Morrison

  The city in these pages is imaginary.

  The people, the places are all fictitious.

  Only the police routine is based on established

  investigatory technique.

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Patterns.

  The pattern of October sunlight filtering past barred and grilled windows to settle in an amber splash on a scarred wooden floor. Shadows merge with the sun splash—the shadows of tall men in shirt sleeves; this is October, but the squadroom is hot and Indian summer is dying slowly.

  A telephone rings.

  There is the sound of a city beyond those windows. The sudden shriek in unison of children let out from school, the peddler behind his cart—”Hot dogs, orange drink”—the sonorous rumble of buses and automobiles, the staccato click of high-heeled pumps, the empty rattle of worn roller skates on chalked sidewalks. Sometimes the city goes suddenly still. You can almost hear a heartbeat. But this silence is a part of the city noise, a part of the pattern. In the stillness, sometimes a pair of lovers will walk beneath the windows of the squadroom, and their words will drift upward in a whispered fade. A cop will look up from his typewriter. A city is going by outside.

  Patterns.

  A detective is standing at the water cooler. He holds the coneshaped paper cup in his hand, waits until it is filled, and then tilts his head back to drink. A .38 Police Special is resting in a holster that is clipped to the left-hand side of his belt. A typewriter is going across the room, hesitantly, fumblingly, but reports must be typed, and in triplicate; cops do not have private secretaries.

  Another phone rings.

  “87th Squad, Carella.”

  There is a timelessness to this room. There are patterns overlapping patterns, and they combine to form the classic design that is police work. The design varies slightly from day to day. There is an office routine, and an investigatory routine, and very rarely does a case come along that breaks the classic pattern. Police work is like a bullfight. There is always a ring, and always a bull, and always a matador and picadors and chulos, and always, too, the classic music of the arena, the opening trumpet playing La Virgen de la Macarena, the ritual music throughout, announcing the various stages of a contest that is not a contest at all. Usually the bull dies. Sometimes, but only when he is an exceptionally brave bull, he is spared. But for the most part he dies. There is no real sport involved here because the outcome is assured before the mock combat begins. The bull will die. There are, to be sure, some surprises within the framework of the sacrificial ceremony—a matador will be gored, a bull will leap the barrera—but the pattern remains set and unvaried, the classic ritual of blood.

  It is the same with police work.

  There are patterns to this room. There is a timelessness to these men in this place doing the work they are doing.

  They are all deeply involved in the classic ritual of blood.

  “87th Squad, Detective Kling.”

  Bert Kling, youngest man on the squad, cradled the telephone receiver between his shoulder and his ear, leaned over the typewriter, and began erasing a mistake. He had misspelled “apprehended.”

  “Who?” he said into the phone. “Oh, sure, Dave, put her on.” He waited while Dave Murchison, manning the switchboard in the muster room downstairs, put the call through.

  From the water cooler, Meyer Meyer filled another paper cup and said, “He’s always got a girl on the phone. The girls in this city, they got nothing else to do, they call Detective Kling and ask him how the crime is going today.” He shook his head.

  Kling shushed him with an outstretched palm. “Hello, honey,” he said into the phone.

  “Oh, it’s her,” Meyer said knowingly.

  Steve Carella, completing a call at his own desk, hung up and said, “It’s who?”

  “Who do you think? Kim Novak, that’s who. She calls here every day. She wants to know should she buy some stock in Columbia Pictures.”

  “Will you guys please shut up?” Kling said. Into the phone, he said, “Oh, the usual. The clowns are at it again.”

  Claire Townsend, on the other end of the line, said, “Tell them to stop kibitzing. Tell them we’re in love.”

  “They already know that,” Kling said. “Listen, are we all set for tonight?”

  “Yes, but I’ll be a little late.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ve got a stop to make after school.”

  “What kind of a stop?” Kling asked.

  “I have to pick up some texts. Stop being suspicious.”

  “Why don’t you stop being a schoolgirl?” Kling asked. “Why don’t you marry me?”

  “When?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “I can’t tomorrow. I’ll be very busy tomorrow. Besides, the world needs social workers.”

  “Never mind the world. I n
eed a wife. I’ve got holes in my socks.”

  “I’ll darn them when I get there tonight,” Claire said.

  “Well, actually,” Kling whispered, “I had something else in mind.”

  “He’s whispering,” Meyer said to Carella.

  “Shut up,” Kling said.

  “Every time he gets to the good part, he whispers,” Meyer said, and Carella burst out laughing.

  “This is getting impossible,” Kling said, sighing. “Claire, I’ll see you at six-thirty, okay?”

  “Seven’s more like it,” she said. “I’m wearing a disguise, by the way. So your nosy landlady won’t recognize me when she peeks into the hall.”

  “What do you mean? What kind of a disguise?”

  “You’ll see.”

  “No, come on. What are you wearing?”

  “Well…I’ve got on a white blouse,” Claire said, “open at the throat, you know, with a strand of very small pearls. And a black skirt, very tight, with a wide black belt, the one with the silver buck…”

  As she spoke, Kling smiled unconsciously, forming a mental picture of her in the university phone booth. He knew she would be leaning over very close to the mouthpiece. She was five feet seven inches tall, and the booth would seem too small for her. Her hair, as black as sin, would be brushed back from her face, her brown eyes intensely alive as she spoke, perhaps with a faint smile on her mouth. The full white blouse would taper to a narrow waist, the black skirt hanging on wide hips, dropping in a straight line over her thighs and her long legs.

  “…no stockings because the weather’s so damn hot,” Claire said, “and high-heeled black pumps, and that’s it.”

  “So, where’s the disguise?”

  “Well, I bought a new bra,” Claire whispered.

  “Oh?”

  “You should see what it does for me, Bert.” She paused. “Do you love me, Bert?”

  “You know I do,” he said.

  “She just asked him does he love her,” Meyer said, and Kling pulled a face.

  “Tell me,” Claire whispered.

  “I can’t right now.”

  “Will you tell me later?”

  “Mmmm,” Kling said, and he glanced apprehensively at Meyer.

  “Wait until you see this bra,” Claire said.

  “Yes, I’m looking forward to it,” Kling said, watching Meyer, phrasing his words carefully.

  “You don’t sound very interested,” Claire said.

  “I am. It’s a little difficult, that’s all.”

  “It’s called ‘Abundance,’ “ Claire said.

  “What is?”

  “The bra.”

  “That’s nice,” Kling said.

  “What are they doing up there? Standing around your desk and breathing down your neck?”

  “Well, not exactly, but I think I’d better say goodbye now. I’ll see you at six-thirty, honey.”

  “Seven,” Claire corrected.

  “Okay. ‘Bye, doll.”

  “Abundance,” she whispered, and she hung up. Kling put the receiver back into the cradle.

  “Okay,” he said, “I’m going to call the telephone company and ask them to put in a phone booth.”

  “You’re not supposed to make private calls on the city’s time,” Carella said, and he winked at Meyer.

  “I didn’t make this call. I received it. Also, a man is entitled to a certain amount of privacy, even if he works with a bunch of horny bastards. I don’t see why I can’t talk to my fiancée without—”

  “He’s sore,” Meyer said. “He called her his fiancée instead of his girl. Look, talk to her. Call her back and tell her you sent all us gorillas out of the room and now you can talk to her. Go ahead.”

  “Go to hell,” Kling said. Angrily, he turned back to his typewriter, forgetting that he’d been in the middle of an erasure. He began typing again and then realized he was over-scoring what he’d already typed. Viciously, he ripped the almost-completed report from the machine. “See what you made me do?” he shouted impotently. “Now I have to start all over again!” He shook his head despairingly, took a white, a blue, and a yellow Detective Division Report from his top drawer, separated the three sheets with carbon paper, and began typing again, banging the keys with a vengeance.

  Steve Carella walked to the window and looked down to the street below. He was a tall man, and he stood in slender deceptive grace by the meshed grille, the late afternoon sunlight washing over him, his angular body giving no clue to the destructive power in his muscular arms and chest. In profile, he looked slightly oriental, the sun limning high cheekbones and eyes that slanted curiously downward.

  “This time of day,” he said, “I feel like going to sleep.”

  Meyer looked at his watch. “That’s because we’ll be relieved soon,” he said.

  Across the room, Kling kept battering the typewriter keys.

  There were sixteen detectives, not counting Lieutenant Byrnes, attached to the 87th Squad. Of those sixteen, four were usually on special assignment somewhere or other, leaving a twelve-man squad, which was divided into four duty sections of three-man teams. Unlike patrolmen, the detectives worked out their own schedules, and the pattern, though arbitrary, was consistent. There were two shifts, the 8:00 A.M. to 6:00 P.M. and the 6:00 P.M. to 8:00 A.M. The graveyard shift was the longer of the two, and none of the detectives particularly enjoyed it, but they nonetheless drew it every fourth day. They were also “off duty” every fourth day, a term that didn’t mean very much since all cops are technically “on duty” twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year. Besides, most of the detectives on the squad found that they needed those off-duty days to accomplish vital legwork. The schedule was a complicated thing to keep, because the specialassignment cops kept changing, and because Lineup was held every day from Monday to Thursday and the detectives were required to put in appearances there in order to acquaint themselves with the men who were committing crimes throughout the city, and because detectives had to appear in court to testify at trials, and because—the schedule was a difficult one to keep. Teams kept changing, men kept coming and going, there were often eight cops in the squadroom instead of three. The schedule was posted each week, but following it was impossible.

  In any case, one thing remained constant. The relieving detectives, by unwritten agreement, always arrived at the squadroom fifteen minutes before the hour, a carry-over from their patrolman days. The graveyard shift, not due until 6:00 P.M., would undoubtedly straggle in any time between 5:30 and 5:45.

  It was 5:15 P.M. when the telephone rang.

  Meyer Meyer lifted the receiver and said, “87th Squad, Detective Meyer.” He moved a pad into place on his desk. “Yeah, go ahead,” he said. He began writing on the pad. “Yep,” he said. He wrote down an address. “Yep.” He continued writing. “Yep, right away.” He hung up. “Steve, Bert,” he said, “you want to take this?”

  “What is it?” Carella asked.

  “Some nut just shot up a bookstore on Culver Avenue,” Meyer said. “There’re three people laying dead on the floor.”

  The crowd had already gathered around the bookshop. A sign out front read “GOOD BOOKS, GOOD READING.” There were two uniformed cops on the sidewalk, and a squad car was pulled up to the curb across the street. The people pulled back instinctively when they heard the wail of the siren on the police sedan. Carella got out first, slamming the door behind him. He waited for Kling to come around the car, and then both men started for the shop. At the door, the patrolman said, “Lot of dead people in there, sir.”

  “When’d you get here?”

  “Few minutes ago. We were just cruising when we took the squeal. We called back the minute we saw what it was.”

  “Know how to keep a timetable?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Come along and keep it then.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  They started into the shop. Not three feet from the door, they saw the first body. The man was partially slumped
against one of the bookstalls, partially sprawled on the floor. He was wearing a blue seersucker suit, and his hand was still holding a book, and a line of blood had run down his arm, and stained his sleeve, and continued down over the hand holding the book. Kling looked at him and knew instantly that this was going to be a bad one. Just how bad, he did not yet realize.

  “Here’s another one,” Carella said.

  The second body was some ten feet away from the first, another man coatless, his head twisted and fitting snugly into the angle formed by the bookstall and the floor. As they approached, he moved his head slightly, trying to raise it from its uncomfortable position. A new flow of blood spilled onto his shirt collar. He dropped his head again. The patrolman, his throat parched, his voice containing something like awe, said, “He’s alive.”

  Carella stooped down beside the man. The man’s neck had been ripped open by the force of the bullet that had struck him. Carella looked at torn flesh and muscle, and for an instant he closed his eyes, the action coming as swiftly as the clicking shutter of a camera, the eyes opening again at once, a tight hard mask claiming his face.

  “Did you call for a meat wagon?” he asked.

  “The minute I got here,” the patrolman said.

  “Good.”

  “There are two others,” a voice said.

  Kling turned away from the dead man in the seersucker suit. The man who’d spoken was a small, birdlike man with a bald head. He stood crouched against one of the bookstalls, his hand to his mouth. He was wearing a shabby brown sweater open over a white shirt. There was abject terror on his face and in his eyes. He was sobbing low, muted sobs that accompanied the tears that flowed from his eyes, oddly channeling themselves along either side of his nose. As Kling approached him, he thought, Two others. Meyer said there were three. But it’s four.